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Since the “Swine Flu Scare” has dwindled down because of massive overexposure, leave it to CNN and some orthopedic specialists to come up with a new “epidemic.”

“Cell Phone Elbow,” is an apparent disease where patients are damaging an essential nerve in the arm, by keeping there elbows bent for too long. By continually holding your phone to your ear it, “chokes the blood supply to the nerves.”

Now as most men and some women know that when you get the tingling sensation in your hand, its time to switch to the other hand. I couldn’t but help and laugh when reading this statement from Donna Malloy, 66 years old:

“Mainly when I was holding something, I noticed, ‘Geez, they’re tingling.’ It got progressively worse. If you walk around holding the cell phone, after a while you’re not sure you have it in the hand anymore.”

Apparently just saying that your hand went numb, was a to easy thing to say and not scary enough to get people to freak out. So, since we all will suffer “Cell Phone Elbow,” its time for someone to sue AT&T for that damned iPhone.

1st Rule of Home Selling – Bash It! Bash It!

Joesph Young, 23, went a little too far in a heavy drinking session, when he ended up thrashing the luxury home that his firm was selling while the owner was abroad.

Young collected the keys to the £650,000 house from his office so he and two friends could continue to party. Young and Bradley Conway, 23, started the unscheduled demo with ripping out door frames, smashing chairs and statues, and damaging a vintage car in the garage. Conway then stole the keys to the owner’s Skoda and went on a drunken joy ride with Young, which the so elegantly put the vehicle into a nearby tree.

Conway admitted guilt to all three charges, but Young was cleared of stealing the car keys and aggravated vehicle taking. Young did plead guilty to causing criminal damage and both will be sentenced in the future.

Mr. Clench, the home owner was in Spain when the failed bash’em brothers pillaged his home. He told the court, it was “obviously not the happiest occasion” when he returned to find the scene of devastation.

Cell Phone Captures Murderer

Anthony Ramirez, 23, left his cell phone behind at the scene of a burglary and suspected of murdering 3 others. Ramirez called his own number and was unaware that a police officer was the person who answered the phone. He wanted to get his cell phone back, but ended up in the pokey.

He is sitting in ail charged with killing a man in Emeryville and suspected in 2 other homicide cases. The burglary took place on May 22nd, when the owner interrupted the break-in. Jumpin Jack Flash fled out the window, but left the phone at the scene.

Ramirez called the phone, while police were investigating the home for evidence. Officer Uri Nieves, told Ramirez that he found the phone and would return it for a fee – at the local Boys and Girls Club. Wondertard Ramirez arrived at the club in a stolen Nissan 350z that had a sawed-off .30-30 rifle inside.

Police Balls Are Squishy

Meet retiree Sam Charles Spuchess, 63, who assaulted a Brisbane police officer during RiverFire. This is Brisbane’s biggest annual fireworks event of the year and Spuchess was frustrated for not being able to cross the Story Bridge.

Apparently traffic was blocked for 2 hours during the event and that sent Spuchess in a road rage like none other before. According to Prosecutor Sarah Dennis, she said that Spuchess started yelling at the traffic officer, then grabbed the officers service issued torch and attempted to hit him with it, and finally the genius grabbed the officer’s huevos rancheros and squeezed.

So why all the frustration? Was it due to the fact he had run into the police officer’s car? Nope. It was all due to the fact the man was missing his wife’s birthday.

Spuchess pleaded guilty to one count of serious assault on June 1st and was sentenced to a 12 month prison term. The judge let Spuchess out on immediate parole, because he was “suffering from a depressive disorder,” and had a good work history.

She’s So Hot, She’s Nuclear

Hello Russian non mail order brides… It’s that time of year again where some Russian women show that not all of them have extra appendages or 3 eyes. That’s right it is the Miss Atom 2009 beauty pageant and they have announced the winners on their official website.

All the winners and contestants actually work in the Russian Nuclear Industry. This is the sixth annual event and hosts beauty’s from nuclear energy agencies & research institutions. The ladies hail from Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Kazakhstan and Lithuania.

This year’s winner is Yekaterina Bulgakova, who is a legal consultant. Her prize is a wonderful trip to Cuba!

Links:

Realtor Mistake 101
Murder He Dialed
No Squeezy Police Balls
She’s Nuclear

Popularity: 20% [?]

Space The Final Dumping Ground

Captain’s Log, Star Date 5132009.430. The Space Shuttle Atlantis is in danger as it attempts to repair the Hubble Space Telescope, with all the space garbage floating around. The problem with the junk is that its flying around the Earth at 20,000 mph (take that nascar..right turn), is that an object the size of a pea would shred right through the shuttle.

The crew is going to attempt to make some upgrades to the telescope in under one week. The new additions will include some new batteries, gyroscopes, and cameras. The reason for so much concern is that with all the pieces of broken and shattered satellites, the space crew can only detect pieces down to 2 inches.

Unfortunately, NASA has no plan at this time of cleaning up the debris, but I would say that since the Endeavour Shuttle is prepped and read in case of emergency, lets equip a space net and skim the outer gravitational rings (like a pool).

Australia Fails Warning System

What if there was a way to warn people about a tragic event, like a massive fire that wiped out homes, cars, pets, and wild creatures? Now ask the same question, but you know the answer is absolutely, and it could be used to interrupt radio and television broadcast, but ask yourself would you have used it?

A Victorian bushfire’s royal commission has heard that the Standard Emergency Warning Signal can broadcast a siren and interrupt radio and TV signals with a message to warn listeners of an emergency. Yet, Authorities decided not to use the emergency service during a tragic brush fire known to many around the world as “Black Saturday.”

The geniuses decided that the use of the system would desensitise people to the alarm. Not only did they not use the service, they didn’t even bother an attempt to discuss using it during the lead up to “Black Saturday.”

Now lets introduce Emergency Services Commissioner Bruce Esplin. When he was asked if the Emergency singal could have been used to warn communities of the fires, he responded with the intelligent answer of, “I’m not in a position to answer that question for each of the towns.”

He followed up the comment with, “It’s a balance between not overusing the … sound and therefore desensitising the community to its importance and having a method which is as efficient … as possible.”

Unless authorities are firing off an emergency alarm system twice a day for 3 months straight, I think people would have paid attention… Especially if there was a message right after it say, “Take what you can and get the F out! Big Fire tearing through everything and anyone. Also, a firefighter will get to give water to a Koala from his water bottle for Epic Hero Picture.”

Its hard to see failure at such a massive level. It’s like watching Manny Ramirez get banned 50 games for steroids, after signing some ginormous contract… oh wait.

Groomer’s Death Dog

Meet the Marczuk Family of Castle Rock, Colorado. They have filed a lawsuit against PetsMart, due to their 2 year old Yorkshire Terrier, Buddy, was killed during a grooming visit.

Buddy was apparently attacked by a store employees dog on April 12th. The murder took place 30 minutes after they dropped him off at the store. Police cited Crystal Marie Cruz for, “having a dangerous animal.” Crystal’s dog is a bulldog mastiff. She is expected in court on Weds for a misdemeanor.

Jessica White, spokeswoman for PetsMart said that Cruz herself had brought the dog in to be groomed that day, but can’t discuss the case any further. The family wants to force PetsMart to change their polices, rather than sue the individual for having control of their animal.

Links:
Space Junk
Australian Alarm
Dog Groomer Incident

Popularity: unranked [?]

New Father’s Application for Father of the Year

Let Me introduce you to Christopher Donnie Smith Sr., 41, of Lexington Park. On May 4th the sheriff’s office learn that the man had assaulted his 13 year old son, by shoving the kid down the stairs. To propel himself as the number 1 contender for father of the year, he decided to punch his 16 yr old daughter in the face several time. He finished out his application with taking a handgun and aiming it at his wife and proceeded to tell her, “I’m gonna make you famous, I don’t have nothing to lose.”

What makes his application stand out is the propensity for violence and the fact his son was wearing leg braces at the time of the assualt. This guy is such a winner.

Math Teach Learns the Answer to Pi

Meet Allen James Guerin, 28, from Haines City, Florida. Guerin was arrested for unlawful sexual activity with certains minors. Guerin is married and recently became a father.

Guerin developed a personal relation with a 16 yr old student that he met when coaching cross country, back in August of 2008. He kept contact with the girl via text messages and cell phones. The genius decided that posting about his new found love on his Myspace page was a good idea. He stepped up his game when he started getting physical in Jan.

A few days later of completing his conquest, he told the girl that his wife found out about their relationship, because of the MySpace page and that he had to end it. Then on Thursday, May 7th, the girl asked Guerin what to say about their intimate relationship and he replied with, ” tell them it’s not true, say nothing happened, and deny it.”

Sheriff Grady Judd said, “I do not understand why highly educated school teachers continue to engage in sexual relationships with the students they are entrusted to teach, but I promise that we will continue to put those in jail who take advantage of our children.”

Thowning Missiles at Cops

Justin Keith Campbell, 23, from Georgia is an airman for the United States. He was attempting to get a ride from an Okaloosa Sheriff’s officer, by throwing rocks at the patrol car.

The deputy noted that he had to take evasive actions, so he wouldn’t loose a windshield from Nolan Ryan. The airman was charged with throwing deadly missiles at an occupied car and criminal mischief.

Wii Solves Murder

Johnny Collins, 38, of Miami, Florida is set to be charged with the murder of 40 year old Nestor Estifani. Estifani had his throat slashed after a three-some took a wicked turn.

Police were able to life a fingerprint off the Nintendo Wii, which helped them identify the murder.

The murder was first reported when he was found by his boyfriend Dr. Cody Smith. Smith was returning from a business trip out of town. The house was ransacked, but Collins left the Nintendo Wii behind, which had another man’s prints on it.

The man has a long history of robbery and drug convictions. During his questioning by police that he told them about the drinking, doing drugs, and sexual romp gone wrong.

He told police that Collins told him that he cut the man, “From ear to ear.” Backing the story, police were able to confirm that the man-goo found on Estefani was matched to Collins.

Links:
Father of the Year

Math Teacher Fails

Missiles at Cops

CSI Wii

Popularity: unranked [?]

Friday starts out with bad news for the makers of the Lidocaine topical spray. Turns out the spray was intended to help slow down orgasms, but it has one really bad side effect. The spray ends up giving a rash on the men’s penis and women get a burning sensation inside the vagina. They should turn the spray from a sex aide to a sex prevention tool.

She Can’t Run From Her DUI

A young couple was out for a night of drinking, thought that they could drive home and outsmart the police. A 22 year old Auckland woman was arrested for making a false complaint and attempting to drive with excess breath alcohol.

According to North Shore commander inspector Les Paterson said that the couple told them they were going to walk to a taxi stand after being told by police not to drive home. Instead they dialed 111 and reported a false incident of masked men with guns robbing a service station. The pair denied making the call, so the police communication center redialed the number that called the 111. The phone that the woman was holding started to ring, much to her embarrassment.

“They had the brief pleasure of watching a bunch of police cars whiz past, they then jumped in their car intending to drive off in the opposite direction but a police officer took a detour on a ‘hunch’ and located them.”

Teacher Earns a DUI

Welcome to Newburyport, MA,  where a driving instructor was intoxicated while giving someone a driving lesson.  The instructor will get to stay out of jail, but gets to lose his license for a year. He was also put on probation for the next 18 months.

Daniel Winsky, 53, of Salem was convicted Thursday of operating under the influence, while he was in the passenger seat of the car giving a lesson to a student.  He was not behind the wheel of the vehicle during the December 2007 incident, but was in control of the brakes of the specially designed vehicle.

Police pulled over Winsky, after a convience store clerk called the police. The clerk apperantly smelled alcohol on his breathe and watched him climb into the auto schools car.

Oops: 2 Dead by Gun Shots at Anti-Gun Rally

We travel across the pond to London, England. Shakah Anderson, 28, is accused of shooting 2 men during an anti-gun rally at the Tudor Rose night club. The murders happened back in December 2002 and one of the victims Mohamed Korneh had been for a shooting in the same area early. The other victim was Selorn Gbesenete, 21, was attending Unarmed 2, an event dedicated to stopping gun crime among young black people.

Anderson, Korneh, and Anderson’s accomplice were all carrying firearms according to the police. Anderson had been shot earlier in 2002 and Wayne Freckleton (Anderson’s alleged accomplice) was killed in a shooting after the anti-gun rally. Anderson, of course denies the murders.

Hot Tub Filter Doesn’t Removed Naked Man

Tony Punelli of Des Moines, IA, found a surprise in his hot tub early Friday morning. Police were called to remove a naked and unresponsive man from his hot tub just after 7 a.m. in Southeast Thornton.

Police extracted Ryan Hutton, 24, from Indianola from the jacuzzi. They confirmed that the man was intoxicated, but doing fine. Hutton told police that he had been drinking in West Des Moines and had no idea how he got into the hot tub, but thought he was in a known location. Hutton was arrested and charged with criminal trespassing.

“Pretty hard way to wake up – some stranger in your hot tub. I don’t know how he got in here. It’s pretty hard to get over that fence without a ladder. I thought I was dreaming, but I’m happy the man didn’t drown”, said Punelli.

Links
Bomb Threat fail

Teachers Report Card…DUI

Murder at Anti-Gun Rally

Naked Hot Tub

Popularity: unranked [?]

Oh happy Friday. The internet never fails to share the epic, odd, and fails of the interwebz. This maybe a multiple post Friday with all the stories that need light shined upon them. So let us jump right into the stories.

Story 1:

Edward Richardson killed his wife Sarah in her parents home back on May 12th of 2008. He was charged and found guilty for her murder. After he killed his wife, he attempted to take his own life. The Crown Prosecution says that, “Richardson became enraged when Sarah changed her marital status on Facebook to single and decided to go and see her as she was not responding to his messages.”

Story 2:

The wonderful company Chrysler just received $4 Billion in bailout cash from the US government, decided that the best way to spend this money is to advertise their product in the upcoming Terminator 4 movie. Rather than taking the money (that we are going to end up paying in taxes down the road), and investing in new technologies and design that will make it easier on the environment and the consumers wallets. Apparently, after having to cut 36% of its staff to its lowest level since 1934 wasn’t a sign of what direction to go with the money, but failing after the money squandered in a movie will hopefully be a wakeup call. Yet, they are going to try and apply for another 3 billion in bailout moneys provided by the government.

Links to Stories:

Man murders wife because online status “single”

Chryslers Wastes our money

Popularity: unranked [?]