Space The Final Dumping Ground

Captain’s Log, Star Date 5132009.430. The Space Shuttle Atlantis is in danger as it attempts to repair the Hubble Space Telescope, with all the space garbage floating around. The problem with the junk is that its flying around the Earth at 20,000 mph (take that nascar..right turn), is that an object the size of a pea would shred right through the shuttle.

The crew is going to attempt to make some upgrades to the telescope in under one week. The new additions will include some new batteries, gyroscopes, and cameras. The reason for so much concern is that with all the pieces of broken and shattered satellites, the space crew can only detect pieces down to 2 inches.

Unfortunately, NASA has no plan at this time of cleaning up the debris, but I would say that since the Endeavour Shuttle is prepped and read in case of emergency, lets equip a space net and skim the outer gravitational rings (like a pool).

Australia Fails Warning System

What if there was a way to warn people about a tragic event, like a massive fire that wiped out homes, cars, pets, and wild creatures? Now ask the same question, but you know the answer is absolutely, and it could be used to interrupt radio and television broadcast, but ask yourself would you have used it?

A Victorian bushfire’s royal commission has heard that the Standard Emergency Warning Signal can broadcast a siren and interrupt radio and TV signals with a message to warn listeners of an emergency. Yet, Authorities decided not to use the emergency service during a tragic brush fire known to many around the world as “Black Saturday.”

The geniuses decided that the use of the system would desensitise people to the alarm. Not only did they not use the service, they didn’t even bother an attempt to discuss using it during the lead up to “Black Saturday.”

Now lets introduce Emergency Services Commissioner Bruce Esplin. When he was asked if the Emergency singal could have been used to warn communities of the fires, he responded with the intelligent answer of, “I’m not in a position to answer that question for each of the towns.”

He followed up the comment with, “It’s a balance between not overusing the … sound and therefore desensitising the community to its importance and having a method which is as efficient … as possible.”

Unless authorities are firing off an emergency alarm system twice a day for 3 months straight, I think people would have paid attention… Especially if there was a message right after it say, “Take what you can and get the F out! Big Fire tearing through everything and anyone. Also, a firefighter will get to give water to a Koala from his water bottle for Epic Hero Picture.”

Its hard to see failure at such a massive level. It’s like watching Manny Ramirez get banned 50 games for steroids, after signing some ginormous contract… oh wait.

Groomer’s Death Dog

Meet the Marczuk Family of Castle Rock, Colorado. They have filed a lawsuit against PetsMart, due to their 2 year old Yorkshire Terrier, Buddy, was killed during a grooming visit.

Buddy was apparently attacked by a store employees dog on April 12th. The murder took place 30 minutes after they dropped him off at the store. Police cited Crystal Marie Cruz for, “having a dangerous animal.” Crystal’s dog is a bulldog mastiff. She is expected in court on Weds for a misdemeanor.

Jessica White, spokeswoman for PetsMart said that Cruz herself had brought the dog in to be groomed that day, but can’t discuss the case any further. The family wants to force PetsMart to change their polices, rather than sue the individual for having control of their animal.

Links:
Space Junk
Australian Alarm
Dog Groomer Incident

Popularity: unranked

Squeegee FTW

Welcome to Boulder, Colorado, where a local Red Robin employee was washing the restaurant window’s on Friday, when another man attempted to rob him with a knife. The man called police around 7:10 p.m. and told them a man walked up behind him holding a knife to his back demanding his wallet.

Police Spokeswoman Sara Huntley said that the employee picked up his squeegee and told the would be robber, “You don’t have to do this. All I have is a little cash.” The robber was spooked when a women came out of a nearby hotel.

New Weed Hiding Spot

A police office was shocked on Monday, when they had to arrest a man for making threatening statements to officers. Originally, they were called out due to a disturbance. The man was in possession on some Xanax pills, but decided that it was better to hide the bag of weed in the patrol unit under the backseat.

Police confirmed that the Patrol car doesn’t have a spot to hide your weed.

iPod Crusade

Microsoft has decided to take their war with the Apple to a whole new level. Microsoft has started to make strategic moves with a new ad campaign targeting the billions that Apple has made with people paying to fill their iPods. They plan to use the $15 Zune Pass music rental program.

Wes Moss will host the $15 Zune Pass program. Microsoft claims that users can enjoy more music on the $15.00 a month program and save thousands of dollars. It would take $30,000 to fill up a 120GB iPod, which is a good point in a tough economic state, but fails to disclose how long the “rentals” would last.

Microsoft is planning to have a flurry of Twitter buzz about a Zune-like product to be released in June. Microsoft has codenamed the project “Pink.” Microsfot originally denied the rumors, but their own twitter page tells a different story. It’s asks people to hold off buying a new iPhone for a new product to launch in June.

The product is believed to be the Zune HD, but knowing Microsoft it will be something that is wonky, designed awkwardly, and restrictive to use. Microsoft’s Marketing team needs to come up with new “attacks” on Apple, because they do a bad job in selling the good points of any of their products.

Ford Flexes Some Muscle

Ford Motor Company is trying to rebuild its wealth to stay off U.S. aid. Ford announced that it will issue 300 million shares of common stock in a public offering. It even said that it will use some of the money for a Union-run medical trust.

According to Bloomberg data, the new shares will price today. Ford has 2.8 billion shares outstanding as of May 1st, so the new stock would be an increase of 11 percent and raise $1.8 billion based on Monday’s closing price. The registration of the new stock is the first time that Ford has offered common shares directly to the public.

Chief Executive Officer Alan Mulally is taking advantage of shares that have more than tripled since March 4, when the second-biggest U.S. automaker announced a plan that pared debt by $9.9 billion. General Motors Corp. has lost 35 percent of its market value in that time.

“We continue to make strong progress on our transformation plan,” Mulally said in a statement yesterday. The offering is “another example of the fast, decisive action we are taking.”

Links:

Squeegee Supreme
You Don’t Hide Your Weed In There
iPod Crusaide
Ford Rebounds

Popularity: 50%

Terrible Roadski Accident

A secretary was increasing her employer’s productivity, when a freak accident took place. The employer was receiving an oral demonstration from his employee when a van that was in the process of backing up hit the couple in their parked car. The impact of the crash caused the 30 year old woman to bite off the man’s penis.

The accident occurred in a Singapore park, where the couple would meet after work. Even better, the woman’s husband had hired an private investigator to keeps tabs on her. The investigator actually called the ambulance after hearing the woman scream and noticed that her face was covered in blood.

He told local media reporters, “On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently. After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood.”

Television Characters Freak Out

Police were called to the Welcome Holiday Park in Dawlish, Devon after a massive fight broke out during a fancy dress party. Ten people were held after the clash occurred in the main club. An Oompa-Loompa, Spiderman, and Tinky Winky were kept in police cells over night. The police questioned the 3 on suspicion of violent disorder.

A staff member told the press, “It was rather comical in some ways because of the fancy dress costumes people were wearing. You don’t expect to see Teletubbie Tinky Winky and Spiderman in the middle of things like this.”

He Fought The Law – FAIL

Welcome to Naples, Florida, where Graham Brunson, 21, was asked to leave a local bar and took things a little too far. Brunson thought that the best way to get back was to whip his penis out and pee right there at the bar. Unfortunately for Brunson, his brain stopped working when he decided to run from the police.

Police say that Brunson was causing a disturbance, yelling obscenities, and disturbing customers at the bar. Security asked him to leave, that’s when his revenge plan went into effect.

Four police officers found Brunson hiding in bushed about a quarter mile from the bar. He tried to run again, but was tackled by Office Ian Rudnick. Brunson attempted to fight the officer, but Brunson’s mugshot shows who really won the struggle.

After police were able to get Brunson into handcuffs he went limp and had to be carried int

o the squad car. While on the way to the hospital, Brunson was still resistant enough to spit blood on the EMT. Brunson was charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting an officer with violence, and disorderly intoxication.

Links

Roadski No No
TV Icons
Criminal Bash

Popularity: unranked

Bail Outs A Bust?

Taxpayers are finding out that the government is vulnerable to fraud under the federal bank bailout program. A 250 quarterly report that is sent to congress is designed to eliminate “toxic assets” from finical institutions, but the special inspector concluded that its tilted in favor of private investors and creates, “potential unfairness to the taxpayer.”

This report examines the $700 billion T.A.R.P. and was scheduled for release on Tuesday. Inspector General Neil Barofsky used blunt language and offered a series of recommendations to protect the public. He also takes the Treasury to task for not implementing previously given advice and then gives little praise for some of the created safeguards. The report states that the public-private partnership could total $2 trillion.

“The sheer size of the program … is so large and the leverage being provided to the private equity participants so beneficial, that the taxpayer risk is many times that of the private parties, thereby potentially skewing the economic incentives,” the report states.

The report also comes along when lawmakers have been demanding evidence that the government’s role is unclogging credit and banks are being held accountable. Even though the injection of government money, bank lending has declined.

“In light of the fact that the American taxpayer has been asked to fund this extraordinary effort to stabilize the financial system, it is not unreasonable that the public be told how those funds have been used by TARP recipients,” the report states.

“Over the last two months, we’ve significantly increased the amount of transparency into the programs, including actively measuring lending & requiring banks under the new capital program to report on how every dollar of government resources goes toward increasing lending to consumers and businesses,” Treasury spokesman Andrew Williams said.

He Was The Law

Welcome to Oregon City, Oregon, where a former Clackamas County Sheriff’s deputy was arrested on Monday night. Police were called out around 7:30 p.m. on a report of a domestic situation.

A woman called police from a nearby grocery store, after running away from the home. She went on to tell police that she had been injured in a fight with Brandon Claggett and he is “suicidal”.

Police got to the home and entered into a standoff at the husbands home. Police were able to get a hold of Claggett on his cell phone, but he wasn’t coming out anytime soon. Claggett was actually not at home and he was on his way to pick up his kids in Salem.

Officers convinced Claggett to meet them at the grocery store, where he was quickly arrested. Tuesday, police went to the house with search warrants and recovered evidence and several guns. Claggett was charged with kidnapping, menacing, unlawful use of a weapon, and assault.

Claggett resigned after 14 years on the Clackamas County Sheriff’s force. Back in October 2008, he was accused of inappropriately touching a 20 year old woman who was with him on a ride along.

Your Sentence: Silence

Welcome to Pocatello, Idaho, where an eastern Idaho Judge lost his patience with a defendant’s behavior. Judge Peter D. McDermott of the 6th District, ordered Nicklas Frasure, 23, mouth to be shut using duct tape.

Frasure is accused of violating his probation by not taking his medication. He was originally convicted of felony theft back in 2008. Frasure was released from a mental hospital back in October of 2008.

Frasure continually interrupted court proceedings with verbal outbursts and unusual behavior. McDermott order bailiffs to silence Frasure, so they could continue with proceedings. The bailiffs found a roll of duct tape, which they tore off a piece and placed it over Frasure’s mouth.

Kent Reynolds, Frasure’s lawyer had earlier asked the judge for a mental competency evaluation. Judge McDermott said that he would consider the request, but no immediate ruling on the request.

“He’s obviously not mentally competent,” Kent Reynolds told the judge.

At the end of the hearing, the judge ordered bailiffs to remove the duct tape and went on to further comment on how he hoped Frasure’s condition would improve with being under state care.

As Frasure was being led out of the courtroom, he responded to the judge with, “You want to arm wrestle?”

Ninja Steals Fail

A “Ninja” attempted to steal the cash from a Weymouth, MA., dry cleaner on Tuesday. Unfortunately his stealth skills failed, when a convenience store clerk notice the man wearing a ski mask and carrying a sword.

Needless to say the clerk contacted the police, but when the robber noticed the clerk on the phone he pulled off his ski mask. When she confirmed that she was calling the police on him, he took off to a different store.

The ninja attempted to rob Galaxy Cleaners, but ran into another snag when the store clerk couldn’t open the cash register. The ninja did have at least 1 skill that was working for him.  Local police are still looking for the ninja, who is said to be in his early 20′s.

Links:

Bail Out’s Fail
He fought the law
Silence is Gold, but Duct Tape is Silver
Ninja Pirates

Popularity: 90%

Friday starts out with bad news for the makers of the Lidocaine topical spray. Turns out the spray was intended to help slow down orgasms, but it has one really bad side effect. The spray ends up giving a rash on the men’s penis and women get a burning sensation inside the vagina. They should turn the spray from a sex aide to a sex prevention tool.

She Can’t Run From Her DUI

A young couple was out for a night of drinking, thought that they could drive home and outsmart the police. A 22 year old Auckland woman was arrested for making a false complaint and attempting to drive with excess breath alcohol.

According to North Shore commander inspector Les Paterson said that the couple told them they were going to walk to a taxi stand after being told by police not to drive home. Instead they dialed 111 and reported a false incident of masked men with guns robbing a service station. The pair denied making the call, so the police communication center redialed the number that called the 111. The phone that the woman was holding started to ring, much to her embarrassment.

“They had the brief pleasure of watching a bunch of police cars whiz past, they then jumped in their car intending to drive off in the opposite direction but a police officer took a detour on a ‘hunch’ and located them.”

Teacher Earns a DUI

Welcome to Newburyport, MA,  where a driving instructor was intoxicated while giving someone a driving lesson.  The instructor will get to stay out of jail, but gets to lose his license for a year. He was also put on probation for the next 18 months.

Daniel Winsky, 53, of Salem was convicted Thursday of operating under the influence, while he was in the passenger seat of the car giving a lesson to a student.  He was not behind the wheel of the vehicle during the December 2007 incident, but was in control of the brakes of the specially designed vehicle.

Police pulled over Winsky, after a convience store clerk called the police. The clerk apperantly smelled alcohol on his breathe and watched him climb into the auto schools car.

Oops: 2 Dead by Gun Shots at Anti-Gun Rally

We travel across the pond to London, England. Shakah Anderson, 28, is accused of shooting 2 men during an anti-gun rally at the Tudor Rose night club. The murders happened back in December 2002 and one of the victims Mohamed Korneh had been for a shooting in the same area early. The other victim was Selorn Gbesenete, 21, was attending Unarmed 2, an event dedicated to stopping gun crime among young black people.

Anderson, Korneh, and Anderson’s accomplice were all carrying firearms according to the police. Anderson had been shot earlier in 2002 and Wayne Freckleton (Anderson’s alleged accomplice) was killed in a shooting after the anti-gun rally. Anderson, of course denies the murders.

Hot Tub Filter Doesn’t Removed Naked Man

Tony Punelli of Des Moines, IA, found a surprise in his hot tub early Friday morning. Police were called to remove a naked and unresponsive man from his hot tub just after 7 a.m. in Southeast Thornton.

Police extracted Ryan Hutton, 24, from Indianola from the jacuzzi. They confirmed that the man was intoxicated, but doing fine. Hutton told police that he had been drinking in West Des Moines and had no idea how he got into the hot tub, but thought he was in a known location. Hutton was arrested and charged with criminal trespassing.

“Pretty hard way to wake up – some stranger in your hot tub. I don’t know how he got in here. It’s pretty hard to get over that fence without a ladder. I thought I was dreaming, but I’m happy the man didn’t drown”, said Punelli.

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Links
Bomb Threat fail

Teachers Report Card…DUI

Murder at Anti-Gun Rally

Naked Hot Tub

Popularity: unranked