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Welcome to Dade City, Florida! Thursday evening, Genoveva Amacenda-Velona, was arrested for DUI and has created a possible new Drunk Driving category.

She's an innovator when it comes to DUI

She was caught with her own party station in the car. She had half a bottle of Cuervo and the sliced limes on the console, but no salt anywhere to be found. The other odd part of her setup was the two kids that were taken along for the ride. The kids aged 7 and 9 were wearing seatbelts, but that wouldn’t save them from the crazy that is their mother.

She was originally being pulled over because her passenger side headlight was out and it was 7:30 at night. The Deputy got another surprise when he got to the window. Amacenda-Velona’s blood alcohol level was 0.233, which is freaking three times the legal limit. Since Amacenda-Velona doesn’t speak English, she told police through an interpreter that she only had 3 or 4 beers at a friend’s house.

Amacenda-Velona, 30, is being charged with Child Neglect, DUI, No Registration, and of course not having a Valid Driver’s License. She was also nominated to be the first ever recipient of the Driving Under Mixed Alcohol Stupidity award, also known as a DUMAS Award. It is pronounced Dumb Ass…

This Mother is a Dumbass

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Welcome to Provincetown, Louisiana. I know you are wondering why we stopped in this little city of the United States. Well thanks to Wonder-Tard Christopher McEnaney, 18, decided to top all the list of people arrested in the districts 14 arrest night.

McEnaney decided that it was a smart idea to punch Fred with cops nearby. Actually, Fred is the horse that a police officer was riding at the time when McEnaney struck it in Fred’s flank. The horse not surprisingly wasn’t injured and wonder-tard was arrested.

McEnaney was charged with assault on a police horse and resisting arrest. McEnaney is scheduled to be arraigned in Orleans District Court tomorrow.

Shut Her Up With A Slice of Pizza

As the stories from Iowa trickle across the news wires, we decided to go back there again after yesterday’s bare assed story.

Des Moines, Iowa the scene which is now the home of probably the first case of assault with Digiorno. The perpitard Ron Reliford, 36, was upset with Deneen Kilby, 42, then decided to act on that aggression. When police arrived on the scene Reliford was sitting in a car outside of their apartment.

Kilby had redness around her neck and carpet burn on one knee according to police. She managed to escape the attack and called the police from apartment managers phone.

Reliford then told police, “It only takes two minutes to choke a bitch.”
He dug his hole deeper, when police revealed, “Reliford said he used some pizza to smash into her face.”

He is being held without bond in the Polk County Jail and was charged with domestic assault causing injury.

Stick It In Your Tail Pipe!

Welcome to the great state of Indiana, where a Lawrence Township school board member has been terminated as a reserve police officer.

Meet Adam Goldstein, 39, an unpaid officer in training with the Fortville reserve police officer was driving in a squad car, wearing his full dress uniform, and drunk at the time. He was charged with public intoxication at the Geist Marina on Sunday morning, which was later changed to drunk driving.

Goldstein and the Mrs. Goldstein were out boating at a local reservoir and was cited by the Indiana Department of Natural Resources for failing to have working navigational lights. Apparently, Judge Dread (Goldstein) decided to go home, put on his uniform and gun, then drive to the Fortville Police station to pick up a squad car. Amazingly no one was at the station at this time.

Goldstein then proceeds to drive back to the marina and confront the officer who gave him a citation. Of course Goldstein got out of hand and was arrested, but Goldstein failed a breathalyzer so he was charged with drunk driving.

Links:
Mr. Ed’s Pissed!
Return To Iowa
Well F You Buddy!

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Friday starts out with bad news for the makers of the Lidocaine topical spray. Turns out the spray was intended to help slow down orgasms, but it has one really bad side effect. The spray ends up giving a rash on the men’s penis and women get a burning sensation inside the vagina. They should turn the spray from a sex aide to a sex prevention tool.

She Can’t Run From Her DUI

A young couple was out for a night of drinking, thought that they could drive home and outsmart the police. A 22 year old Auckland woman was arrested for making a false complaint and attempting to drive with excess breath alcohol.

According to North Shore commander inspector Les Paterson said that the couple told them they were going to walk to a taxi stand after being told by police not to drive home. Instead they dialed 111 and reported a false incident of masked men with guns robbing a service station. The pair denied making the call, so the police communication center redialed the number that called the 111. The phone that the woman was holding started to ring, much to her embarrassment.

“They had the brief pleasure of watching a bunch of police cars whiz past, they then jumped in their car intending to drive off in the opposite direction but a police officer took a detour on a ‘hunch’ and located them.”

Teacher Earns a DUI

Welcome to Newburyport, MA,  where a driving instructor was intoxicated while giving someone a driving lesson.  The instructor will get to stay out of jail, but gets to lose his license for a year. He was also put on probation for the next 18 months.

Daniel Winsky, 53, of Salem was convicted Thursday of operating under the influence, while he was in the passenger seat of the car giving a lesson to a student.  He was not behind the wheel of the vehicle during the December 2007 incident, but was in control of the brakes of the specially designed vehicle.

Police pulled over Winsky, after a convience store clerk called the police. The clerk apperantly smelled alcohol on his breathe and watched him climb into the auto schools car.

Oops: 2 Dead by Gun Shots at Anti-Gun Rally

We travel across the pond to London, England. Shakah Anderson, 28, is accused of shooting 2 men during an anti-gun rally at the Tudor Rose night club. The murders happened back in December 2002 and one of the victims Mohamed Korneh had been for a shooting in the same area early. The other victim was Selorn Gbesenete, 21, was attending Unarmed 2, an event dedicated to stopping gun crime among young black people.

Anderson, Korneh, and Anderson’s accomplice were all carrying firearms according to the police. Anderson had been shot earlier in 2002 and Wayne Freckleton (Anderson’s alleged accomplice) was killed in a shooting after the anti-gun rally. Anderson, of course denies the murders.

Hot Tub Filter Doesn’t Removed Naked Man

Tony Punelli of Des Moines, IA, found a surprise in his hot tub early Friday morning. Police were called to remove a naked and unresponsive man from his hot tub just after 7 a.m. in Southeast Thornton.

Police extracted Ryan Hutton, 24, from Indianola from the jacuzzi. They confirmed that the man was intoxicated, but doing fine. Hutton told police that he had been drinking in West Des Moines and had no idea how he got into the hot tub, but thought he was in a known location. Hutton was arrested and charged with criminal trespassing.

“Pretty hard way to wake up – some stranger in your hot tub. I don’t know how he got in here. It’s pretty hard to get over that fence without a ladder. I thought I was dreaming, but I’m happy the man didn’t drown”, said Punelli.

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Links
Bomb Threat fail

Teachers Report Card…DUI

Murder at Anti-Gun Rally

Naked Hot Tub

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So this Week has been wonderful so far. All the major sites (minus Digg) have done something for April Fools Day. Youtube decided that it would celebrate by flipping everything upside down. Google created a fake auto-complete program for Gmail. Even Reddit got into the action by making their website look just like Digg. Maybe the best site was done by Switzerland, who decided that they would play off the Australia’s Dream Job.

Now onto today’s stories. Luckily, I get to share some stories that aren’t Florida bound. It was difficult, but Florida really tried to squeeze in again with a few attempts. As always the links to the full story are at the bottom.

Calling Shotgun on the Wheelchair

Welcome to the Good Samaritan Christensen Village located in beautiful British Columbia, Canada. This retirement facility is where a wheelchair using woman is believed to have shot a facility manager Ken Perrier, who was attempting to evict the woman in her 40′s who ended up being shot by local police. Both Perrier and the unidentified woman were airlifted to the local hospital on Tuesday night and are listed to be in serious condition.

“It appears that a 40-year old-resident, a woman, had shot one of the employees that was at her door,” Corporal Peter Thiessen told reporters at the scene late Tuesday night. “There were four employees that were at the door that were in the process of evicting her. She ends up shooting one of them, departing, going out the front door on foot with a long-barreled weapon.”

After shooting Perrier, the woman attempted to commandeer a vehicle and thats when the officers arrived on the scene. Officers told her not to get into the vehicle, but police shot her after she failed to respond to commands. “There were indications she may have been in possession of a second weapon,” Cpl. Thiessen said.Police did recover a handgun and a shotgun from the scene.

An Army of One

Lets meet Christopher Chavez, 19, in Boone County. This new Army recruit was just a few short hours away from reporting for boot camp, but ended up in handcuffs instead. A drunken crime spree was the way he wanted to start his new army career.

Chavez was staying at a Airport Holiday Inn in Erlanger with some fellow recruits as they prepared for flying out for basic training. Chavez purportedly got in a fight with some other people on the 5th floor of the Hotel around 2 am. Chavez decided that it would be a good idea to grab a fire extinguisher off the wall, which in turn set off the fire alarm.

He then took the fire extinguisher with him to a Mobile Gas Station with the idea to get some more alcohol. Unfortunately, the Mobile was closed he decided that he would break in to get some beer. Police arrived on the scene, where Chavez was unsuccessful at breaking into the Mobile station. He went on to spit and curse at police officers as they attempted to handcuff the wannabe soldier. Police placed a spit mask on the retarded army of one, after they placed the cuffs on him.

Chavez was charged with alcohol intoxication and criminal mischief and was placed in the Boone County Jail.

Law Director Doesn’t follow the Law

Law Director Mark Provenza resigned on Tuesday after being sent back to jail for violating his probation. Now the city of Lorain is searching for a replacement to fill the vacant position. Provenza had just been released from serving 90 days for DUI, when he was to get his blood monitoring ankle bracelet. Prior to getting the new leg accessory, Provenza admitted that he had been drinking beer.

Mayor Tony Krasienko says that Provenza stepped down after city officials went to speak to him. He went onto state that if Provenza didn’t resign, that they would have no choice, but to pursue actions to get him removed.

In 2004, Provenza spent 5 days in the Bay Village jail for DUI. He was also convicted of DUI for hitting a fire hydrant in Lakewood. He also pleaded down a Parma Heights DUI to reckless operation. Then not to be out done, he pleaded no contest last year to DUI charges in Lakewood again. This time he rammed his wife’s minivan into the front porch of a home on Bunts Road.

Follw me on Twitter

Links:
Shotgun Grannie – British Columbia

Soldiers spree before basic  – boone county

Law Director no Judge Dread

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Chris Brown is saying that when Rihanna tossed a cell phone at him, she “attacked him.” Its a 6 oz. phone and its not going to hurt that much, its no excuse for what he did to her. He entered a plea of “self defense” at his arraignment.

I mean its not like Rihanna is a Ninja who had a sword, she tossed a cell phone. Next thing you’ll know it will be an insanity plea.

My name’s Chris Brown and I live in myself and thanks to Nickelodeon for letting me win another award from Kids and being a “good” role model.

Tough Times Calls for $3 Showdowns!

Daniel Winter, 26, called a friend to pick him up at 3 a.m. after spending all night at Calendar Girls in Port Richey, FL. Ashley Decicco, 18, and her boyfriend Shaun Nater, 30, picked up Winter and then headed over to the nearest Burger King for some late night grubbing.

As they head home on U.S. Highway 19, Ashley asked for $3 in gas money. Winter was sitting in the backseat of the car said no, because Rent was due. The 2 argued until Winters smacked Ashley while she was driving the car.

Nater decided that it was time to act and punched Winters. Winters, being a resourceful man grabbed a fish tank that was sitting in the back seat and started to hit Nater with it, but Nater still fought back. Winter then grabbed a beer bottle and started to strike Naters with it until he was able to wreslte it away. Since turn about is fair play, Naters took the bottle and beat Winters until the bottle broke.

Ashley with quick thinking pulled into a Denny’s Parking lot and called the police. Both men were arrested and charged with battery with a deadly weapon and have a $10,000 bail.

Fish Store Smells like Death

Pet Plus USA received a surprise in there delivery on Tuesday morning. An employee for the store attempted to pick up a delivery of exotic fish on monday night, but was turned away when he couldn’t provide correct id.

Tuesday morning Mark Arabia was successful in picking up his delivery from US Airways. When they got back to the Philadelphia store, they opened the package to find a dead body inside.

Jon Kenoyer, 65, was on his way to Lifequest in Allentown for research on Alzheimers. His body was eventually sent to the research facility. “At first, I was in the state of shock that they messed up to begin with, I wondered where he was going or how he got there,” Kenoyer’s widow Mary Ellen said. “And then I started to laugh because he was one that always did practical jokes and I said this was the last joke on us.”

Your Laws Don’t Apply Here. I Make the Laws

Scott Witmer, 44, from Allen Township walked into to a Northhampton County Court wearing a Coors Light Sweatshirt and decided to deliver the best defense possible.

Witmer told Judge Leonard Zito, “I don’t live in the state of Pennsylvania. I am a sovereign man.” He was arrested back in August of 2008, after police were called out to his home on Adams St, due to a domestic violence call. He allegedly drove drunk from his home, while police where still at the residence filling out paperwork, after the officers warned him not to drive the car. He was also charged with lack of insurance, non legal plates and driving on a revoked license.

Witmer submitted a 20 page legal motion in December that backed his defense. he stipulated that the charges against him were unconstitutional and a “blatant act of Tyranny. Judge Zito asked that James Connell represent Connell later in the day when his bail hearing would be held. “I’m alarmed that you may be a danger to yourself or our community,” Zito said. The judge also ordered Witmer to undergo a psych eval, which Witmer replied with a witty reply, “I’ve already had five of those done on me in prison, it’s no big deal.”

Witmer had been free on unsecured bail. Zito set the new amount at $25,000, with $2,500 needed for release.

Snack Attack

DOA

I am the Law

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