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Welcome to Provincetown, Louisiana. I know you are wondering why we stopped in this little city of the United States. Well thanks to Wonder-Tard Christopher McEnaney, 18, decided to top all the list of people arrested in the districts 14 arrest night.

McEnaney decided that it was a smart idea to punch Fred with cops nearby. Actually, Fred is the horse that a police officer was riding at the time when McEnaney struck it in Fred’s flank. The horse not surprisingly wasn’t injured and wonder-tard was arrested.

McEnaney was charged with assault on a police horse and resisting arrest. McEnaney is scheduled to be arraigned in Orleans District Court tomorrow.

Shut Her Up With A Slice of Pizza

As the stories from Iowa trickle across the news wires, we decided to go back there again after yesterday’s bare assed story.

Des Moines, Iowa the scene which is now the home of probably the first case of assault with Digiorno. The perpitard Ron Reliford, 36, was upset with Deneen Kilby, 42, then decided to act on that aggression. When police arrived on the scene Reliford was sitting in a car outside of their apartment.

Kilby had redness around her neck and carpet burn on one knee according to police. She managed to escape the attack and called the police from apartment managers phone.

Reliford then told police, “It only takes two minutes to choke a bitch.”
He dug his hole deeper, when police revealed, “Reliford said he used some pizza to smash into her face.”

He is being held without bond in the Polk County Jail and was charged with domestic assault causing injury.

Stick It In Your Tail Pipe!

Welcome to the great state of Indiana, where a Lawrence Township school board member has been terminated as a reserve police officer.

Meet Adam Goldstein, 39, an unpaid officer in training with the Fortville reserve police officer was driving in a squad car, wearing his full dress uniform, and drunk at the time. He was charged with public intoxication at the Geist Marina on Sunday morning, which was later changed to drunk driving.

Goldstein and the Mrs. Goldstein were out boating at a local reservoir and was cited by the Indiana Department of Natural Resources for failing to have working navigational lights. Apparently, Judge Dread (Goldstein) decided to go home, put on his uniform and gun, then drive to the Fortville Police station to pick up a squad car. Amazingly no one was at the station at this time.

Goldstein then proceeds to drive back to the marina and confront the officer who gave him a citation. Of course Goldstein got out of hand and was arrested, but Goldstein failed a breathalyzer so he was charged with drunk driving.

Links:
Mr. Ed’s Pissed!
Return To Iowa
Well F You Buddy!

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Mario Lavandeira, 31 also known as the self renowned “Queen of All Media,” has taken over the Internet with the claim that he was assaulted. He states that during an after part celebration at the MuchMusic Awards, he was approached by Black Eye Peas Member Will.I.Am, who jumped into his face and began a tirade about him not liking the band and about writing about his band. After a light argument ensued, Perez Hilton (Mario) says that he got sucker punched and started bleeding.

It all started earlier in the night when Perez and Fergie talked at the club Ultra during an after party, which Will.I.Am was djing. Apparently the discussion between Perez and Fergie was bad enough that Will.I.Am got upset that Hilton has such an effect on Fergie.

Both groups ended up at Cobra for another after party held by Universal Music. This is where Hilton and Will.I.Am run into each other and the argument ensues. The video looks like it picks up at the latter part of the argument when a very loud Hilton is heard saying, “How am I not being honest?”

A lot of background noise then a very clear Perez Hilton is heard calling Will.I.Am a “Fucking Faggot.” Followed by the ohs and damns by a scatter of people. Then for the next 45 seconds, its laughing and people being told to go back inside.

Perez says on his video, “I was not want or trying to antagonize him. I thought I would say the worst possible thing that thug would hear. Knowing that it would set it him off.” On the way out of the club, Perez goes on to say that the manager of the Black Eyed Peas Sucker Punched him, after Will.I.Am. was waiting outside the club for him.

Actual Video of Argument, thanks to TMZ:

Perez now busted open under his right eye was afraid, because his eye “might be falling out of his head” and he was in shock. He then rants that they were following him back to his hotel, even though the group was staying at the same hotel. Hilton felt that his safety was in danger, so he decided to call 9-1-1 (which works in Toronto). Since the police where handling actual emergencies, he reached out to twitter. He asked all his followers to call the police and it was his, “cry for help.”

Since the incident, Toronto Police have charged Polo Molina for assault charges. Molina turned himself in and has been charged with assaulting Hilton, Toronto Police Constable Tony Vella said. Molina is due in court Aug. 5.

Will.I.Am had posted a video on dipdive.com with a detailed accounting for what happened throughout the night. Which can be seen here:

Hilton made a video blog recounting the incident and its full of emotion. The 11 minute video rant goes from covering the situation to insulting and swearing of Will.I.Am, Polo Molina, and Fergie. If the use of Twitter was a “cry for help,” then what is the video?

After watching both accounts and then watching the video from the actual event. Its hard to feel sorry for Perez Hilton, especially after verballing assaulting someone. It is one thing to get into a argument and then someone punch you, but to push the scene by purposely insulting the guy to get him worked up… Hilton is not a victim, but an accomplice.

Perez Hilton is now a walking hypocrite after using a gay slur on Will.I.Am. If the shoe was on the other foot, there would be picketing, boycotting, and mass emailing calling for a public apology from Will.I.Am and the Black Eyed Peas. Especially after the verbal assault Hilton let loose on Carey Prejean due to her answer that he asked about marriage. To top it off Hilton loses any credibility as a positive figure in the gay community.

Popularity: unranked [?]

Today’s stories are a little interesting. Fat people want to lose weight, but don’t know how, brother’s fight over a soda, son beats up his own mom for beer money, and the coup de grâce… Man wins the lottery because a dildo changed his life.

Dildo of Fortune

Steve Charlton likes to sit back and tell the tale of a young man, six numbers, and a giant sex toy the size of his forearm. Carlton and a friend went to the Pleasure Palace to get a birthday gift, but an epic birthday gift.

“So we have the party,” Charlton said. “The dildo was a big hit. No pun intended.”

Soon after, the birthday girl left for Chicago for a job. A couple weeks passed, and Charlton packed for his new job. He about to leave when he noticed something in their living room.

He tossed it into his old Nissan Stanza and he drove to Chicago. March 11, 1992, Charlton was driving home from work and he needed an oil change. Charlton sat in the lobby of the quick lube garage as they changed his oil. Suddenly, he remembered what was in his backseat.

“I knew they were going to see it back there.” Getting money from the convenience store’s ATM, he felt guilty that he was not buying anything.”Gimme five lottery tickets,” he told the cashier.

He tucked the lottery tickets in his pocket, paid for the oil change in cash and left as fast as he could. The next morning, Charlton fueled his Nissan Stanza and he bought a newspaper. At a stoplight, he compared the winning numbers from the night before. He sat at the green light in shock when he realized that he won.

Charlton still has it massive sex toy. He jokes that he hangs it over his mantle like a prized fish, but in truth it’s in a plastic tote in his basement.

Ice Cold Soda Killer

Palm Bay detectives are investigating the 3^rd homicide in the last 3 weeks that claims to be in self defense. Anthony Giampetro called 911 on Friday saying that he had shot his brother Joesph 3 times with a revolver.

“They were arguing over a Coke,” said Yvonne Martinez, spokeswoman for the Palm Bay Police Department. “One brother had drunk it and the other was upset.”

Anthony Giampetro said his older brother was kicking in a locked door and he feared for his life, officials said. No charges have been filed against the younger brother.

It was the 3^rd to take place in Palm Bay in the last two weeks, officials say. So far, all three Palm Bay cases – including one involving a bar fight and the other, a man struck in the head with a baseball bat after pulling a knife on a woman.

Give Me Beer Money or Else

A 40 year old Fort Walton Beach was arrested after he hit his girlfriend in the face, because she wouldn’t fork over some beer money. The man grabbed his own mother by the hair while she calling the police and tossed her to the ground. He allegedly shoved the girlfriend into the door frame when she tried to intervene.

When deputies arrived, they noticed swelling over face of the mom and some scrapes and cuts on her arms. He was charged with assault and battery.

We’re Fat, Sassy, and Lazy

Philip Chawner, 53, his wife Audrey, 57, daughter Emma, 19, and Samantha, 21, are asking for more money for their family. The Blackburn family claim £22,508 a year in benefits, because the Chawners haven’t worked in over 11 years.

They say they haven’t worked because they are over weigh and it is a hereditary condition. The family weights a combined 87 Stone (1162 lbs). Mr. Chawner said: “What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table. It’s not our fault we can’t work. We deserve more.”

The recommended maximum intake is 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men. The family claim to spend £50 a week on food and consume 3,000 calories each a day.

“We have cereal for breakfast, bacon butties for lunch and microwave pies with mashed potato or chips for dinner,” Mrs. Chawner told Closer magazine. “All that healthy food, like fruit and veg, is too expensive. We’re fat because it’s in our genes. Our whole family is overweight,” she added.

Their daughter Emma, said: “I’m a student and don’t have time to exercise” she said “We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse we get in the street, but we don’t know how.”

Links:
Lottery Winning Sex Toy
Don’t Drink My Coke
Beer Brawl
Fat People Need Money

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